


I'll be your light

by glitterlarries



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Not too angsty though, set somewhere in the second half of 2015, stunts, the angst is situational
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 08:32:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6463177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterlarries/pseuds/glitterlarries
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> They walk into the boardroom hand in hand and Harry wonders if waking into a meeting with a management team, even this new one, will ever stop feeling like walking into a battle of sorts. He wonders when they'll be able to stop fighting.  </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll be your light

**Author's Note:**

> Feel like I should just warn you and say that in case it wasn't clear from the fact that there's angst and this is set mid to late 2015, there's a lot of babygate mentioned. I didn't tag it as this because I want it clear that this is **not** a fic about Louis having a kid, as will be clear from the start, but it is one centred around this stunt and its emotional impact on Louis and Harry.

Sometimes they have to make a joke out of it all because if they start crying there's a chance they'll never be able to stop. 

When Louis comes in with a book for expectant father, Harry knows it's going to have to start again. It's been a little while actually since they last had to do this. Hadn't been necessary since November, when both liked to preface almost everything they said with "I am in fact". Humour is one of the best coping mechanisms for them when these things are happening.

"I'm thinking I'll just read this book and do the opposite of what someone in my supposed position should be up to," Louis says, smiling a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. Harry wants nothing more right then than to reach out and fold Louis up in his arms and maybe keep him there until it all goes away. He can't do that, though, and honestly half the time talking about all the things they wish they could do but still can't just makes it hurt even more. Instead, Harry tries to smile a proper smile back and perches on the arm of the sofa, stalling his arms around his boyfriend and looking at the open book over his shoulder.

"We could try and find a way to score it or something," Harry suggests, Louis laughs a slightly fake laugh as he nods, continuing to flick through the book.

If Harry didn't know Louis so well he'd maybe be surprised when he falls apart seemingly all of a sudden. Harry does know Louis, though, knows him better than anyone. He knows this has been coming for a long time and that there's only so much you can laugh away. This final blow has hit the hardest because up until today they’d been able to tell themselves this would The book drops to the floor as Harry slides himself from the arm of the sofa so he's sitting right behind Louis, and Louis turns so he's sitting in Harry's lap, head buried in his neck as his whole body shakes with the sobs he's been holding back for maybe too long. 

Harry just holds him and rubs his back, pressing kisses into the top of his head. Louis clings onto him so tightly and Harry holds him just as desperately, wishing he could somehow take away some of his pain, maybe have it for himself. He doesn't say this, though, because he knows that would just make it worse. Because then Louis would point out that over the last five years Harry's also had far more than his share of pain, they've both been through more than they ever should have had to. Everything is just so very painful and so unfair and at times like this it feels like it will never end.

It _will_ end, though. It's just hard thinking that when the end date had been pushed back yet again. He's not sure how many times this has happened now, doesn't want to think about all those times they were nearly free. Just the very fact that this stunt was supposed to not only be quite short, but that it would help with their November coming out. November coming out. Fuck's sake. Last November they were supposed to be out and now this November they were supposed to be out. Harry wonders sometimes if come next November they'll still be stuck like this, still crying and holding each other and trying to tell themselves it will all be worth it in the end. 

_Worth the while_. Louis in particular had been quite hopeful going into this stunt, Harry had had more doubts but he too had hoped. Hope is a luxury, though, Harry thinks. Hope is a luxury and over the last few days he's decided that almost none of what they've been through will be worth the while. That's not to say his happy ending with Louis won't happen, it's just that he's angry they ever had to do any of this to begin with. None of the bullshit they've had to go through should ever have happened, they shouldn't have to earn their fucking freedom by doing or pretending to do the things they've done. It's just not fair. 

Louis eventually stops crying and kisses Harry gently on the cheek.

"Sorry Haz, I'm-" he begins.

"Shh," Harry says, stroking his hair before continuing, "you've got nothing at all to be sorry for, babe. We've just found out that not only are we not able to come out until some as yet undecided time next year rather than in less than two months, but you've also got to do this baby bullshit for so much longer than planned. It's sad and it's _shit_ and it's okay to cry about it," he tells him. Louis nods and and shifts in his lap slightly, moving so he can look at Harry properly.

"Yeah, I'm upset about all of that. But also, it's just-"

"Just what?"

"I wanted the first expectant father book we brought into the house to be for us when we start having children, wished the first time my name and your name and the word 'baby' appeared in the papers would be a birth or adoption announcement for me and my beautiful husband's beautiful and real new baby... I just feel like on top of everything else, they've stolen that from us." Louis says sadly. 

Harry doesn't know what to say right away, can't think of the right words to reassure not just Louis but himself too. He finds them eventually, though. 

"Lou, when we have babies it will be nothing like this, okay? We'll be married and we won't be hiding any more, and it will be because the time's right and we're ready to make our already perfect family of two bigger." Harry says earnestly, taking Louis' hand in his. Louis smiles his beautiful smile and nods, kissing Harry on the nose. Harry grins and continues; "When you hold our first baby it will be like nothing else, and you will be the most beautiful dad in the world and we're going to have the luckiest children in the world because their dads love each other and them so much. When you're a dad for real every single picture will glow, you'll light up even more than you do around the twins. We're going to be so happy and excited that we're not even going to remember the time you had to pretend, okay?"

Louis nods and kisses Harry on the lips. It's a sweet kiss, so gentle and so innocent and so very filled with love. 

"I love you, Harry. So much." Louis tells him, then kisses him again. 

Later that evening they're curled up together on the sofa sharing kisses and a bottle of wine. Everything is ever so soft and gentle and made of love, it's become one of those evenings where Harry gets a little bit lost in the beauty of the boy in his arms. It makes him laugh sometimes how one of the only complete bits of truth in that film about their lives had been him talking about how Louis is one of those people you can just sit there and admire. 

Louis pulls Harry into his lap and they both giggle the way they always do when they do this. It reminds them of being sixteen and eighteen and that giddy feeling of falling in love for the very first time. Louis peppers Harry's face with kisses while Harry squirms and laughs delightfully on top of him. Without warning, Harry rolls off Louis and onto the floor, still laughing. He crawls over to the speakers and switches the Bluetooth on on his phone before searching for the song he wants. Louis is looking over at him curiously, a gentle smile spreading across his face. The moment Harry's song comes on, Louis starts laughing while Harry tries to keep a straight and serious face as he pulls himself up info his feet and saunters in a faux sexy way towards Louis. 

"When I first saw you, I saw love, and the first time you touched me I felt love, and after all this time: you're _still_ the one I love." Harry says with Shania, throwing himself down into the sofa dramatically, head in Louis' lap. Harry mouths along up until the chorus, Louis plays with his hair and strokes his cheek. When they reach the chorus, though, both sit up properly and sing along enthusiastically, pointing at each other. 

It's funny and it's silly and it's so cheesy and so very them, Harry thinks, as all of a sudden they're both standing up and slow dancing in their living room to a song that feels like it was written about them. 

"Feels like we're rehearsing our first dance," Harry comments as the song finishes. 

"I can't believe I agreed to this," Louis says, letting Harry twirl him even though there's no music on any more.

"To what? To marrying me or for our first dance being to Shania? Because I feel like I should remind you that you were the one who proposed first." Harry replies indignantly, looking Louis in the cheek. 

"You're so embarrassing," is all Louis says in response and Harry cackles.

"Endearing, I think is the word. And as the owner of a Nickelback tattoo I really don't think you're in a position to call me embarrassing," Harry he's him, tone very serious and an eyebrow raised. Louis starts laughing at that and pulls Harry close, he stands on his tiptoes to whisper into Harry's ear. 

"You are the loveliest, most ridiculous person I have ever known and I can't wait to dance to Shania with you when you're my husband." Louis whispers, then he moves to look properly at Harry and his face goes all soft. Harry gazes back at him, into the ocean of his eyes. He silently counts Louis' freckles and then gives him that number of kisses on his forehead.

.

They have a meeting the next day. Yesterday's meeting was essentially just them being informed that the original plan was off and that they'd have to play the baby game longer as well. Today they're going to be talking strategy. 

"Before we go in, I want you to promise me something," Harry tells Louis. Louis nods, despite not knowing yet what he's about to promise.

"Okay, what?" Louis asks.

"If you feel like for one moment that you need out or can't cooperate with whatever the new plan is, you say it. I care about the bigger picture, obviously, but I care about you more at the moment." Harry tells him.

"Same to you, babe. This involves both of us, and this will probably mean another fucking het stunt for you too, so please speak up if you can't any more." Louis says, and Harry nods.

They walk into the boardroom hand in hand and Harry wonders if waking into a meeting with a management team, even this new one, will ever stop feeling like walking into a battle of sorts. He wonders when they'll be able to stop fighting. It won't be until they've won. Harry remembers Louis writing a song around this time last year, back when things were really shit but also really hopeful: "I think I'm gonna win this time" Louis sings on their last album, and it breaks Harry's heart to hear that song now, knowing that he hadn't won that time, knowing that a year later it truly still was the same old shit but a different day. 

They walk out of the meeting hand in hand as well. It wasn't great but could have been a lot worse, all things considered. Harry's still struggling with the fact that it shouldn't be bad at all, that this was wrong from the very beginning. He knows, though, that his anger is useless at the moment. That doesn’t stop him from feeling it.

"Ready to go home and tell the bears they'll be joining the twenty first century and getting a Twitter account soon, then?" Louis asks Harry as they leave the building and get into their car. Harry cracks a small smile and nods, thankful that his boyfriend is focusing on the more positive side of things at the moment, Harry right now doesn't feel like he's got enough optimism in him right now for the both of them. 

When they get home, Harry kisses Louis softly before going up to the room they use as a kind of gym and hits his punch bag until he no longer feels like screaming. Harry then just sits on the floor with his back to the wall and cries instead. Louis finds him and holds him until he feels a bit less broken.

**Author's Note:**

> glitterlarries.tumblr.com


End file.
